i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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