I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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