I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
