Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
