My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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