I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
