i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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