Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
