Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
