2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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