so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
