Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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