I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
