I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
