college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
