Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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