i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
