my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
whose parrot is this?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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