I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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