How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I could fuck to npr.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
