soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
