last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
