We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
