The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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