It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
