K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
