i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
