Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
