I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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