What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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