my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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