She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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