I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
