dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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