My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
