you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
