The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize