im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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