If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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