I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
