Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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