Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
