Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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