hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
