Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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