Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
