In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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