I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
