Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
