Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
