FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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