umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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