now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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