did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
