I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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