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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
