a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
