i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just had sex on a roof
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
