No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
