On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
