I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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